Get A Bigger Christmas Tree
Looking for that special Christmas gift that will light up your kid's eyes with delight? And then light up your enemy's capitol city? Then consider the new Lockheed Martin MEADS Advanced Launcher that is cable of loading and unloading a six-ton flatrack of 12 PAC-3 missiles (sold separately) and elevating them to a 90-degree angle for launch. Fun for the entire family, platoon, battalion, or army! The MEADS is dishwasher safe and available in either olive green or desert sand color schemes. Unfortunately, it's not sold in any store. Pity.
Seven Forward,But Still Only One Reverse
DaimlerChrysler, which has been swapping technology between Chrysler over here and Mercedes over there pretty freely, has just introduced the world's first regular production seven-speed automatic transmission that will be fitted to Mercedes E, S, CL and SL vehicles powered by V-8 engines during the '04 model year.
Called the 7G-TRONIC, the promise is greater fuel economy and better performance because of a greater spread between the lowest and highest ratios while retaining close spacing. The transmission is completely computer controlled with a lockup torque converter onboard. The programming of the transmission is such that it will skip gears (say from Seventh to Fifth or Fourth during acceleration from a cruise) under some circumstances. Weight is also reduced by the use of a magnesium case to contain the entire assembly.
Will this transmission-with as many ratios as two Powerglides and a TH350 put together-wind up in Chryslers too? Not in the immediate future, but in the long run... surely.
Chrysler Takes Flite
According to everything coming from DaimlerChrysler, the five-door Airflite concept car shown by the company at March's Geneva Motor Show in Switzerland accurately reflects the styling themes that will become the hallmark of the company into the foreseeable future. But the real treat isn't the styling-it's the rear-drive chassis upon which the Airflite is built that will make or break the company.
The new LX chassis is DaimlerChrysler's first rear-drive platform since the old New Yorker left production after the '89 model year. In the Airflite, power comes from a heavily styled 3.5L V-6, but this platform is fully capable of supporting V-8s, and at least one Hemi-powered version will be in production for the 2005 model year. The high-performance Mopar musclecar could very well be back in full force by the middle of this decade.
The Airflite looks muscular without being cartoonish, the front end shares a family resemblance to the Crossfire, the wraparound windshield is reminiscent of '65 Imperial, and the pillarless four-door design is something the world desperately needs. We're also growing fonder of the sweeping Marlin-like roof too-despite our best efforts to continue mocking it.
Our advice to DaimlerChrysler is to drop out a couple of doors, toss in a 5.7 Hemi, and call it Barracuda.
Anti-Ballistic Lincoln
There are great forces out to get you. Everybody knows it but-and this is the sinister part-no one will talk to you about it. Sure your doctors are dismissing your thoughts as delusional paranoia, but they're in on the conspiracy too. How will you be safe? How will you be safe?
What you need is the new Lincoln Town Car Ballistic Protection Series (BPS)! It's an armored vehicle that will protect you from small arms fire whether it comes from black helicopters or that grassy knoll over there. It's not perfectly impregnable, so you'll still have to look in the shadows for agents of the CIA, KGB, and AARP, but it offers some protection.